Streaming Screamers #1.56: Hellraiser 5 & 6

Warning: As usual, these reviews are SPOILERific.

First up,  Hellraiser 5: Inferno

Really, the trailer is all you need to see.

This is a cop story. A not very exciting cop story, until the cop starts losing his mind. Then it's not exactly exciting but at least surreal. People he's close to start turning up dead and he sees cenobites. At one point he goes to a body piercing place to shake a guy down for information, because it might be Hellraiser-y to show extreme lifestyles, but at this point the 90's were over, and we've all seen enough body piercing and modern primitive stuff.

The cenobite that gets the most play is just arms and a head that's had its lips removed. Apparently every cenobite that's had its lips removed must chatter. It's either some kind of rule, or your lips keep you warm in hell.

Anyway, it turns into a Groundhog Day loop scenario, and then they reveal that he opened the box before all of this started. It's the equivalent of "It was all a dream." Super lame.

 Moving on...

Hellraiser 6: Hellseeker

This one is basically 5:Inferno, except that the guy is a businessman played by Dean Winters (better known as Mayhem in the Allstate commercials), and he's married to Kirsty. Yup, it's the actual Kirsty. Did she sign a bad contract? Did she really need the money? Did they simply talk her into it? I wonder. She still looks good though.

Our main character, who I will call Mayhem, because that's how I'd rather think of Dean Winters, wants his wife out of the way because he's banging every other chick he can get his hands on and there might be an inheritance. Mayhem acquires the box and gives it to Kirsty as an anniversary present, she gets pissed off and opens it, and bing-bang-boom he spends the whole movie in a hell dream. That last bit is revealed at the end, so this is a huge spoiler, but trust me, I'm doing you a favor here.

I will say that the place where Mayhem acquires the box is like Hell's Kitchen, old school Chinatown, the docks, and a creepy sub-basement all rolled into one. Whatever city he's in (I think it's one in Canada) has the worst and awesomist bad neighborhood ever.

Together, I give these movies one brain out of five. They're awful.  Watch them if you're a completist, or just skip them entirely.